Government decides to dissolve salt

The present Government being one that woks for the common man day in and day out has decided to dissolve large amounts of salt in huge buckets of fresh water. While announcing this decision at a press conference, Salt and Water Minister Mr. Soz said that this was also a tribute to Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi's salt satyagraha. We, being a channel which takes political news seriously, are bringing you this breaking news exclusively and comprehensively.

For more on this breaking story, we are now joined by our citizen journalist Rishikesh. Rishikesh, how would you view this decision of the Government?
"The Government has got its priorities wrong. While there are other vital issues like the state of Gilli daand sport, the Government has now got itself drowned in the collective euphoria of dissolving salt prior to elections. The Government shall not gain a single seat by this move."
"Do you think they could have dissolved something else that would have been more beneficial to the common man?"
"I think they should have dissolved small inconsequential nations"
"Do you mean they should have dissolved entire nations?"
"Yes, similar to the way in which parliaments are dissolved"

Now, to get the Congress' perspective, we shall talk to Congress spokesperson Jaipal Reddy, who lays great emphasis on pronouncing the 'R's in a word. Mr. Reddy, why dissolve salt? You could have done something more useful.
'The Congrrress Parrty led Govumment has decided to dissolve salt not because salt is soluble in water. But because this move will help common man by incrrreasing industrrrial production."
"How is that so, Mr. Jaipal Reddy?"
"When larrrge quantities of salt arrre dissolved, demand forrr prrroduction of salt incrrreases. This incrrreased prrroduction means morre job crrreation leading to morrre money in people's pockets."
That was Jaipal Reddy speaking to us about the Government's latest move to dissolve salt.

Noted secularist, lyricist and polemist Javed Akthar said that this move of the Government was rooted in 'secular ethos'. He however declined to elaborate. At the other end of the secular spectrum, the Bharateeya Janata Party has soundly criticized this move. When asked whether his party too would dissolve something, BJP spokesperson maintained a curious silence.

Union health minister Ambumani Ramadoss, though, was ebullient in his praise of the Prime Minister for initiating this move that he(Ramadoss) termed as "bold, daring and progressive". He also added that this move will lessen the salt consumption in the country thus reducing the incidence of salt related diseases. He has infact asked Union Entertainment Minister to direct the censor board to not allow the screening of movies where salt dissolution is not shown.

Where will this salt politics take the country to? Will India sign the nuclear deal with US? For answers to these questions and many more stay tuned to this channel as we go behind the scenes and bring you nothing but the truth. Truth, contrary to popular belief, is quite funny. Thank you.

Tagged

Siri, tagged me. Infact she didn't. She merely asked whether I could take the tag, with which she was tagged, forward.

This 'tagging' business, to be honest, appears very childish. I tag somebody. The said somebody has to write, as a consequence, things like,
5 things I would do if I had born fifty years later OR
5 things I would do to succeed in pet keeping OR
5 things I would avoid eating after lunch on odd numbered days OR
to put it more generally,
'n' things I would/had/should/similar-meaning-word followed by random combination of English words.
Here n is an integer >= 5 and preferably a prime number.

You would also have to write a list of five things that you would not do or would not want to do. GuruWrites is giving a general format for that too. Here it is.
'n' things I would-not/had-not/should-not/similar-meaning-word followed by random combination of English words
Here n is an integer >= 5 and preferably a prime number.

And the tribulations of the person tagged does not end here. He has to 'tag' someone else. And then the agony shifts to that person.

This being the case, it's hard for me accept the offer of carrying forward the tag. But being the nice person that I am, I shall give it a try.

Here goes the 5 things I think, I would want to do before turning 60

• Have children
• Retire
• Become the nation's Prime Minister atleast twice.
• Visit Azerbaijan atleast once
• Bridge the gap between the dialectic and the didactic. Probably make a movie that achieves this task. (Arjun, sorry for shamelessly using your 'idea'.)
  

5 things I would not do shall not be listed for lack of enthusiasm to list the same.

And nominating the next tag-bearer is also a task I shall refrain from doing. If any of the zillions of readers of this blog want to take it up, they are free to do so.

Board Of Control Of Information And Imposing Appropriate Bans On Random News/Entertainment Media

What is breaking news? Don't know the answer? Here it is.

"If the wife doesn't serve her husband morning tea in time, it becomes breaking news.''

Wow! Brilliant! Somebody has finally given a beautiful definition for breaking news. Mr. Ghulam Nabi Azad, you genius.

"If one reads a newspaper or switches on to a news channel, all he gets is news like blasts, murders, family discord and arson as if the entire country is on fire,"

Yes, how much of a problem this is, is known only to fire-fighting agencies. Anyway, that's my trademark bad joke. But still Azad is right. That's why his Congress friend and Union Minister For Broadcasting (this should be renamed as Board Of Control Of Information And Imposing Appropriate Bans On Random News/Entertainment Media - BOCOIAIABORN/EM) Priyaranjan Dasmunshi has drafted a law wherein the Government will tell the media to tell whether the country is on fire or not. Only then the fire story will be approved. This offers interesting possibilities.

Suppose, common-man Rishikesh's house is on fire. Then he will first have to first file an affidavit in the office of BOCOIAIABORN/EM. When they approve it, he will have to produce that approval to a fire-fighting brigade. Then, if his house is still not completely charred, the fire-fighters will douse the fire.

What this law also means is there can be no live telecasts. Why? Because before telecasting, what needs to be telecast has to be approved by BOCOIAIABORN/EM. So in a cricket match it will be ball-by-ball approval. For obvious reasons, this approval can only be given after that ball is bowled. And since this approval would definitely need 48 hours, there can be no live telecasts. Only those parts of the match that are in 'national interest' will be shown. So only matches which India win will be shown. This holds good for all the other sports, or for that matter any live telecast.

And blogs. Random people who have not registered with BOCOIAIABORN/EM cannot write blogs. For getting registered, you need to satisfy the following requirements:
You need to be a member of the Congress Party.
Should be an ardent admirer of the past, present and future members of Gandhi family and will have to write the first hundred posts about the greatness of Congress President.
Should be an ardent admirer of the President of Congress Party and in the next 100 posts you have sing paeans for the President.
Should produce a photograph of you voting for the Congress party in atleast 2 national elections, 3 state elections and 5 City/Town/Village elections.
And after getting registered, you need to submit each of your posts to BOCOIAIABORN/E. After mandatory approvals and deletions and additions, you can publish the post. The idea is to make it difficult for average misinformed citizens from 'creating disturbances in the society by writing inflammatory or nonsensical or non-erudite of fictional or sensational stuff'. The Congress party works in the best interests of the nation. Always.

Welcome To News

Welcome to news. We begin this day's news by expressing deep condolences for those killed in today's terror attack. The Governments at both the state and central level have condemned it. So everything should be fine. We can be rest assured that Government will promptly do it's duty after any terrorist attack anywhere anytime. And that duty is to 'condemn' these attacks.

Apart from the attack, things are bright and cheerful and funny. Mahendra Singh Dhoni's daredevils lost quite convincingly in today's match against Australia. But he has already forgotten it. So no need to be disappointed at all. Before that, he admitted that the only thing that went right for him today was the toss.

And there is 'suspended animation' - the state of legislative assembly in Karnataka. 'Deft political maneuvers' are already underway, according to news reports, to form the next Government. 'Political pundits' feel that the new Government too would be a 'rag-tag coalition'.

Moving towards the west of the country we stop over at Gujarat. Here the 'ultimate battle of secularists against communal Hindutva forces' would be fought over the next two months. Defeat of 'communal forces', we are told by Rajdeep and Co, will also 'end the spell of hard Hindutva politics that had become rampant in the laboratory that Gujarat had become'. Had heard of physics lab, chemistry lab, biology lab and so on. This one's trendy - 'Hard hindutva politics lab'. But, ironically, doesn't suit the zeitgeist.

In New Delhi. Aadaraneeya Advaniji, has predicted that snap polls are now a certainty in the next six-eight months. Our leader of opposition has been saying this every few months since his 'communal' party lost that 2004 elections. Just for his credibility sake, he would be hoping that this time his prophecy comes true.

These days, our finance ministry gives out news hearing which we should feel good. And this feeling good, Mr FM is believed to think, should be made legally binding on citizens. He does not see any merits in objections to his erudite proposals, policies and projections. This week, his ministry comforted us that the inflation had gone down considerably. But, in a conspiracy by the opposition, people feel that prices of basic commodities are only going up. Not down.

We have no other news whatsoever. We do not believe in weather reports also. You need not have to keep watching this blog till I post my next post. You can engage yourself in other activities that might not contribute significantly to the gross domestic product. Good night.

Software movies

It's surprising that movies about software, software engineers and their trials and tribulations have not been made. Well, they(such stories) might not exactly be great material for cinema, but they can be funny. Here are my ideas for software-movies. (It does not require a connoisseur of cinema to realize that these are remixed ideas. So comments to this effect shall not be entertained.)

Mohan - Software Engineer, Godfather
The computer of a software engineer, Mohan, had been infected with virus. His system was completely compromised. This was the grandest failure of the anti-virus system. When the system fails, a new power arises. So Mohan decided to write a highly malicious virus that would consume all data on it's target machine and convert it into a porn film. And the virus was propogated. There was porn everywhere on every single machine on the planet, except Mohan's, which he formatted. Normalcy was restored worldwide although Mohan was acquitted by courts at every level in every country. But the evil corporate houses joined hands to conspire against Mohan. They decided to write the deadliest computer virus to exclusively target Mohan's machine. In a bizarre climax, Mohan dies of common cold much before the conspiracy could come to fruition.
THE END.

Chak De! Mohan
Mohan, a discredited manager at a software firm, resigns. He joins a startup. There he hires fresh software graduates who have failed at-least once in all the subjects in their engineering course. He teaches them the basics of software engineering. He then motivates them to accomplish a tough project in record time. In an unanticipated climax, all of them die.
THE END

End of post.