Saturday, March 15, 2008

Government decides to dissolve salt

The present Government being one that woks for the common man day in and day out has decided to dissolve large amounts of salt in huge buckets of fresh water. While announcing this decision at a press conference, Salt and Water Minister Mr. Soz said that this was also a tribute to Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi's salt satyagraha. We, being a channel which takes political news seriously, are bringing you this breaking news exclusively and comprehensively.

For more on this breaking story, we are now joined by our citizen journalist Rishikesh. Rishikesh, how would you view this decision of the Government?
"The Government has got its priorities wrong. While there are other vital issues like the state of Gilli daand sport, the Government has now got itself drowned in the collective euphoria of dissolving salt prior to elections. The Government shall not gain a single seat by this move."
"Do you think they could have dissolved something else that would have been more beneficial to the common man?"
"I think they should have dissolved small inconsequential nations"
"Do you mean they should have dissolved entire nations?"
"Yes, similar to the way in which parliaments are dissolved"

Now, to get the Congress' perspective, we shall talk to Congress spokesperson Jaipal Reddy, who lays great emphasis on pronouncing the 'R's in a word. Mr. Reddy, why dissolve salt? You could have done something more useful.
'The Congrrress Parrty led Govumment has decided to dissolve salt not because salt is soluble in water. But because this move will help common man by incrrreasing industrrrial production."
"How is that so, Mr. Jaipal Reddy?"
"When larrrge quantities of salt arrre dissolved, demand forrr prrroduction of salt incrrreases. This incrrreased prrroduction means morre job crrreation leading to morrre money in people's pockets."
That was Jaipal Reddy speaking to us about the Government's latest move to dissolve salt.

Noted secularist, lyricist and polemist Javed Akthar said that this move of the Government was rooted in 'secular ethos'. He however declined to elaborate. At the other end of the secular spectrum, the Bharateeya Janata Party has soundly criticized this move. When asked whether his party too would dissolve something, BJP spokesperson maintained a curious silence.

Union health minister Ambumani Ramadoss, though, was ebullient in his praise of the Prime Minister for initiating this move that he(Ramadoss) termed as "bold, daring and progressive". He also added that this move will lessen the salt consumption in the country thus reducing the incidence of salt related diseases. He has infact asked Union Entertainment Minister to direct the censor board to not allow the screening of movies where salt dissolution is not shown.

Where will this salt politics take the country to? Will India sign the nuclear deal with US? For answers to these questions and many more stay tuned to this channel as we go behind the scenes and bring you nothing but the truth. Truth, contrary to popular belief, is quite funny. Thank you.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

State Of Chinni Daand( or Gilli Daand) And Its Impact On General Elections

Chinni Daand. It’s an age old Indian game which involves a piece of wood with a pointed end and another stick which too is made of wood. The game involves hitting the wooden piece at its pointed end by the wooden stick. Thus hit the pointy edged piece of wood tosses up happily in the air. Before it again lands up on the ground, the player has to hit it again with the wooden stick. The longer the pointy piece of wood travels the greater is the player’s score. If it’s caught by the opponent/s, then the player who hit it is out. With this bit of information, it doesn’t require a genius to observe that this game was surely a precursor to later day cricket. While cricket seems to grab everyone’s attention in India, its ancestor, Chinni Daand also called Gilli Daand, has no takers. Hailed by social scientists as a poor man’s game, Gilli Daand requires little or no infrastructure except for modest if not abundant supply of pointed wooden pieces and wooden sticks. Despite this there is apathy, bias and neglect that haunt this simple game. We being a channel that take our sport seriously bring you this exclusive report about the state of Gilli Daand and it’s impact on national politics.

Gilli Daand, unlike cricket, has suffered from apathy and neglect not just from administrators but also from aam aadmi You won't see school kids playing chinni daand on the street unlike cricket. 'Gilli daand is a sticky game. Streets are not safe in our country today because of the threat of communal riots. Under such a scenario gillidaand with small pieces of timber don't give a sense of protection to the players unlike cricket which armours them with heavy wooden bats that you can swing around at the opponent(rioter)', says noted cricket historian Dr. Guha when asked why there is no street gillidaand. Five year old kid from Dharwad, Master Halebandi, wants to play professional ChinniDaand. 'Amma, amma naanu doDDon aadmyaala gilli daand aaDlakhattateeni'(Amma, amma I will play Gilli Daand after I grow up) says Halebandi in a determined tone. Ironically, there is not even an under 5 tournament to nurture kids like Halebandi. Infact the need of the hour is to have tournaments for every age group starting from 5 to 55. This view was also echoed by veteran octogenarian .KrishRao while reminiscing about the Gilli Daand accomplishments during his heyday.

Sports finance expert Dr. Kapadia believe that how much ever a poor man's game this game may be, it still needs players to either buy required wooden stick and pointy-piece-of-wood or buy wood to make these at home. This requires money. "Therefore", Dr. Kapadia argues, "Government should identify potential Gilli Daand players and waive off all their loans. If they haven't taken one, they should be given one. I think banks should be directed to disburse 15% of loans to Gilli Daand players and after giving such a loan to promising Gilli Daand players it (the loan) should be immediately waived off".

So what does the calls for Government intervention mean in terms of this issue becoming an electoral issue? "The people are fed up with the previous Government not the current one. They are fed up of the communal sectarian divisive agenda of the previous Government. So instead of the current Government, this time, the previous Government will face anti-incumbency. Thus the Congress and its allies will return to power bagging almost all the seats in the Lok Sabha. Infact the Congress alone may win anywhere between 270 to 470 seats out of the total 540 odd seats", argues electoral scientist Dr. Yadav before going on to add, "Thus Gilli Daand will not be an electoral issue". But citizen journalist Rishikesh thinks otherwise. He thinks and thinks quite staunchly that Gilli Daand issue and Gilli Daand issue alone will be an electoral issue. "Given the poor state of hockey in our country, I think improving the state of Gilli Daand in the country will naturally be a top priority. Naturally voters will vote only for that party which has a pro-Gilli-Daand agenda" explains Rishikesh.

Only time will tell whether Gilli Daand will be an electoral issue or not and whether Gilli Daand or Chinni Daand will move to its rightful place under the sun (Pun intended. Pun explanation follows: Since Gilli Daand is normally played outdoors, i.e., under the sun, it can move to its rightful place under the sun when more people play it and thereby the game getting what it deserves.). That's it then for this edition of news. It was a pleasure bringing this very special and exclusive edition of news to you the reader. I am sure you have thoroughly enjoyed every line of this edition. Good night.